Understanding me, Ch 16

“Why?”

The only normal sentence I could think of right now, the only sentence I dared to open my mouth for. And the only question I really wanted to ask right now, I wanted to know why. Why he was doing this to me, and why me? I didn’t understand why he would do something like that, why me? He had never been loving, like other fathers at school but I never thought he’d hate me.

He never visited school, he never met my teachers. He was never too enthusiastic about anything, not my drawings when I was younger, not my good marks when I showed them. He never allowed my friends to come to our home, he never told me bedtime story like other fathers did. He never did, but I never thought he hated me enough to do this.

“You will be my successor son, once day, you’ll be just like me”

Back then I didn’t know what he meant, I knew I would never be like him. If I’d ever get kids myself, if I’d ever grow up, I’d never hurt anyone like that ever again. I would never ever become him, and back than I was so sure I wouldn’t.

“One day, you won’t have to listen to me”

Was he letting me go? Would he stop making me hurt those little girls?

“One day, you won’t have to listen to me”

No, one day I would be him, I would be his successor, like he always wanted me to be. He was right all along. He wasn’t letting me go, he was letting me free but he would never let me go because the moment he started hitting me, I became him.

“I am sorry for hitting you, but you’ll learn to obey me one day, and I won’t have to hit you anymore”

If I behave, he won’t hit me? Even if I hurt those little kids? I won’t get hurt if I follow him, why? Hitting little kids isn’t good, it’s against the rules. Those girls have families! But… I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t understand…

“I am sorry for hitting you, but you’ll learn to obey me one day, and I won’t have to hit you anymore”

Oh God…. He wasn’t letting me go.. I’d obey him.. I obeyed him! He didn’t hit me, but I still obeyed him. I’ve become him… I’ve become what he wanted me to be. A son to be proud of, someone he could see himself in. A son, a killer, a murderer, a sadist, a kidnapper.

A successor.

A successor.

“You’ll learn to enjoy it son, one day you’ll be just like me.”

No!

“You’ll never get rid of me, I am you”

Please no…

“Listen to me when I’m talking to you! You.will.listen!”

Leave me alone… please.

Back then I didn’t understand.. but now I did why he said everything, why he did all those things to me. Why he wanted me to hit those little girls, and why he was saying all those things to me. Back then, I never understood them, and I never dared to ask why he was saying those things, afraid of being hit again, afraid of making him angry. But now I understood.

I was becoming him.

TMNT

Green eyes, staring right down at me with a worried look filling his orbs. Both hands were placed on either side of my shoulders, hovering over me. Faint sounds reached my ears but at the same time I wasn’t really progressing what was happening around me, I wasn’t truly hearing the talking, the movements, or I was just blocking it out.

Something was placed under my feet, elevating them slightly. Someone was stroking my hair slightly, and for once I didn’t pull away at the gesture. It felt nice, soothing. I closed my eyes again with a soft groan, my head throbbing with every heartbeat. Why did I feel so weak?

“Give him some air Raph” Donnie immediately ushered. Fingers tapped lightly on my cheek, probably Don. “Mikey, can you hear me buddy?” He asked with a soft voice, for which I was grateful, my head was killing me. I hummed slightly, telling him I was able to hear him. Slowly I opened my eyes again, now staring into 3 concerned faces.

“What happened?”

My voice was barely audible, but that didn’t matter, because the moment I looked around slightly I knew exactly what had happened. Only seeing the court room again reminded me of the whole thing. Dad’s sentence, my ‘sentence’ but most importantly, the scars on his back… He was me.. and I was him. Everything that had happened to me… everything I’d gone through.. the same thing happened to my dad.

And I would be doing the same things he did in the future.

“What’s wrong, does anything hurt?” Donnie immediately asked when tears jumped into my eyes. I shook my head, trying to assure him I was okay but a pained hiss escapes my mouth when the thumping pain returns again. “Dad, lift him up a bit, it’ll help with his headache.” Immediately Splinter nods, carefully hovering me up slightly, allowing my head to rest on his lap.

I let out a content sight, feeling the constant pressure leave, and the headache disappearing slowly. Still, Yoshi keeps ruffling through my blond hair, like a worried parent. And considering his worried look, I was pretty sure he was. The only thing I didn’t understand was why. I wasn’t his son, he shouldn’t be worrying about me.

“You fainted after Carl showed you his back” Donnie said, answering my previous question, not like I didn’t remember already. “What does it mean Mikey…? I don’t understand..” He added with a soft voice, taking one of my hands in between his.

“I’m him Don… “ I whisper pitifully, causing both Raph and Don to frown slightly. My eyes dart around slightly, looking around the now empty room. There was absolutely nobody anymore. All the audience was gone, the judge, dad, Kurtzman. The only people that were still left were the guys, Splinter, April, Charly and .. Casey.

That last one surprised me slightly, why would he wait around? It was done, he had revenged his sister.. He didn’t need to be here anymore, his sister could finally rest in peace.. And only after a few seconds I realized that he couldn’t. Because I was still free, and he still blamed me. And honestly, I didn’t know whether to agree with him or not.

He was sitting next to April on the second row, holding her hand to calm her down. While April had her eyes fixed on me, a worried expression on her face, Casey was looking away, his mouth set in a firm line. Leo and Charly were sitting on the first row. Tears were streaming down Charly’s face, but she wasn’t sobbing, only staring ahead of her while Leo had an arm around her looking completely lost himself.

Only Charly seemed to understand what those scars really meant….

“What do you mean Mikey? You’re in no way similar to him. You would never hurt anyone like he did.” Donnie stated, a fully determined look on his face. He didn’t understand it.

“Those scars Don.. his dad did the same thing to him.. the same thing dad did to me… “ I whisper, tightening my grip on Donnie’s hand as tears streamed down my face. “Please Donnie.. I don’t wanna be him.. I don’t w-want to…”

Realization finally seemed to spread across of his face, including Raph’s face. Their eyes going wide as they finally understood what those scares meant, it meant I was going to be him, and I was going to do all those things as well in the future. But instead of walking away, Raph only inched closer to me, reaching for my only free hand.

“Never Mikey, you’ll never be him. Well get you help okay? We’ll make sure  you won’t turn into him ‘kay?” And for some reason, I believed him. I really believed that the guys could protect me from becoming him. And Charly, she got better as well. She got help, and she got over everything, even over the death of Maya.

Did that mean I could do so as well?

“What happened after I passed out.?” I eventually ask, trying to distract them from this particular topic. It wasn’t like I didn’t believe them, I just didn’t want to believe them.. what if I did become him? I never doubted the guys, or Charly, but I doubted myself. I didn’t want to believe them, I didn’t want to fall again, I didn’t want to be disappointed again.

Donnie and Raph both shared a quick glace but apparently decided to let me, as Donnie answered my question.

“Nothing much, you were only out for a few minutes. There were some medics that wanted to help you, but I assured them it was fine.” Donnie started, stopping for a second and staring at me. I nodded hesitantly, asking him to continue.

 

“Carl is sent to prison right now, and dad will have to talk to the judge and the child service to see what’ll happen next.” Don continues, flashing me an encouraging smile. “Don’t worry Mikey, everything will be alright, you’ll see.” And with that he stands up, hiding the obvious pins and needles he was feeling all over his legs. He said nothing as he extended a hand, tempting me to take it.

And much to my surprise I found myself gratefully accepting the hand. I could feel my vision clouding slightly when Donnie hauled me up too quickly but as soon as I was fully standing that disappeared again. I offered Don a smile, silently thanking him, all of them for helping me so far. Right now, Leo, April and Charly had joined us as well, the latter wrapping her arms around me shortly.

“It’ll be alright little bro, you’ll see” She whispered in my ear before releasing me again. I smiled at her gesture, nodding in approval before looking around the circle.

“Let us go home, all of us, this has been a very long day” Yoshi suddenly announced, also standing up from his sitting position. He gives me a short nod of approval before gesturing us to follow him. The guys, April and Charly all following him, but I found myself rooted in place.

“Ya coming Mike?” Raph asks, turning around when he notices I’m not moving at all. I look at him, smiling slightly.

“Go ahead dude, I just need to do something” I call out, my pocket burning painfully right now. Burning with something I need to do. Raph however seems a bit hesitant, walking over to me again.

“Just make it quick okay? We have a lot to talk about.” He says with a surprisingly soft voice, placing a hand over my right arm, right where the needle marks are.

I wince slightly when he touches it, not because it hurts but because it reminds me of the moments I took those drugs. Raph knows they are there, and he deliberately placed his hand on that spot. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, but we both know it needs to be addressed. So instead of recoiling from the touch, I nod.

“I will dude” I say, stepping backwards to move. “And thanks.. for everything” I add, before walking through the courtroom, following Casey.

TMNT

“Casey! Wait up!” I yell when I notice the black-haired teen walking through the large hall. Casey immediately stops when he hears my name, twirling around with a glare on his face. “Before you say anything, please hear me out” I say, before Casey had the chance to open his mouth, and yell at me or something.

Casey glares for a second, his chin raising slightly before he nods reluctantly, obviously not happy with the prospect of listening to me. I’m just glad he’s at least willing to hear me out. He crosses his arm, staring at me, waiting for me to say what I wanted to say. I take a deep breath, trying to form the words correctly in my head.

“I know you’re still mad at me, well mad isn’t the word but .. y’know… And I know you’ll never forgive me, and I understand that. I just wanted to give you something.”  I start, reaching for my pocket and pulling out the object that has been in my pocket for all these days since April had been freed from my own dad.

“Sophie made it years ago.. she wanted to give it to you, for your birthday, but she never could..” I explain, not daring to look into Casey’s eyes. “She asked me to give it to you if she’d die in there… but I never had the guts to confront you after everyone found out… I’m sorry” I whisper, shoving the necklace into Casey’s now open hand. I wanted nothing more than to run away, but I knew I had to do this.

“My dad kept it in this box, I snatched it before the police could get their hands on it. I knew you’d need it more than I did.” I clarify, never regretting anything about that particular action. Casey needed this.. and even if I was withholding evidence, I didn’t care. This was Casey’s, not my way to freedom. It belonged to him.

Casey said nothing as he slowly clicked open the necklace, slowly tears appearing as he saw the picture of his little sister in the necklace. I’ve seen it countless times, Sophie used to show it to me, it was a picture of them. Casey and Sophie together. Casey was holding Sophie, and they were both laughing at the camera, back when they were still happy…

Slowly Casey’s finger hovered over the right part of the necklace, pushing the tiny button that was on it. Not even seconds later a cheery voice erupted from the small recording box. I turned my head away at the cheery voice, telling her big brother how much she loved him, and how she wished him a happy birthday. That was the last time she recorded anything.

That was still when they were a happy family.. before I ruined everything by not telling anyone what my father did. Before she died.

“Get out” Casey spat out in a low voice, tears in his eyes as he replayed the message again. My eyes widened slightly, but only for a mere second. My head lowered slightly, hiding my face before walking away, doing as he told me. I knew he hated me, and I knew he was emotional because of the whole necklace so I didn’t blame him for doing such a thing, telling me to get out of there, and leave him alone.

Though I never expected him to stop me.

“Mikey..?” His voice was low and a bit hesitant. “I can’t forgive you just yet.. but thank you” He said, barely too low for me to hear it, tilting the necklace slightly to indicate what he was talking about. And before I could respond, he turned around and he was gone.

Mere minutes later I was welcomed by Raph wrapping his arm around me pressing me close to him. I smiled at him shyly, allowing him to drag me to Yoshi’s car. April, Leo, Charly and Don were already gone, April’s dad had offered to give them a ride home, since 6 persons wouldn’t fit in Yoshi’s car. Raph sat on the side of the car, while I was stuck in the middle, my head leaning against Raph’s shoulder.

It was already dark outside, and even the small trip from the building to the car had me shivering. Raph had an arm wrapped around my shoulder, rubbing it up and down to warm me up slightly. I smiled against his shoulder, making myself comfortable against him while Yoshi drove us back home. There was a full moon, standing high above us.

I stared at it in amazement, ignoring the speeding cars which passed us. And it was that moment I realized that I was free. Mom was getting the help she always needed, to help her from the drug and alcohol addiction my dad forced on her. Dad was being sent away, locked up for life. And Charly was finally back with me.

I closed my eyes with a smile, letting tiredness take me over. I think both Raph and Yoshi knew I wasn’t truly asleep when we arrived at home, still Raph didn’t hesitant to slip an arm under my knees, hovering me up bridal style.

“You’re really annoying ya know that right?” Raph whispered with a mocking tone, quickly stepping inside, dad closing the door behind us. I smile into his hold, not opening my eyes. Raph barely made a sound when he opened the door of the guest room, not wanting to wake Charly up, if she was even asleep. But his quietness I could already guess. She must’ve been exhausted.

Raph dropped me onto the bed with a satisfying smirk, I was too tired to say something in return, so instead I just pulled the covers over me, making comfortable. I knew this wouldn’t last forever, and I couldn’t stay with them forever. No both my parents were unable to care for me I would definitely be sent to a foster home, and I knew how such things worked.

Yet, I refused to think about it. I wouldn’t think about the future just yet, and a smile made his way up my face as I heard Raph mutter ‘squirt’ before leaving the room.

For now I would just enjoy the moment, knowing it wouldn’t last forever.